Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
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Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Well. That’s not a good sign.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.