I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
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Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds