Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: đź‘Ť
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My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Meanwhile in Portland…
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything