Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Still my favourite meme.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.