As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
We need to put an American base on the sun
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”