I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
*gets down on one knee*
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs