[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Plant care tips
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no