Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
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i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
LMAO
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Looking at you, Jesus.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.