Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
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wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
is frankincense just very honest incense?
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do