New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
u guys got any snacks onboard here
The Assassin.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly