Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.