After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
You Might Also Like
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Me: I really need to save money
Also me: