When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?