Why do meteors always land in craters?
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I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.