“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Leaving the Barbers like
The news is so predictable nowadays
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?