Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
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Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.