It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
You Might Also Like
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Dietest Coke
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
😍😂🥰😂😍
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now