if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Challenge accepted.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive