If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
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god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.