I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
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me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible