[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
🤣😂
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
When can I start eating bats again.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My biological clock is wheezing.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.