Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
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me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
58.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
my dad has had enough
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.