I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?