When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
How to draw a duck
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.