I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
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the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning