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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Nice try, NASA
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer