Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?