Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever