Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
You Might Also Like
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you