The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them