Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.