The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
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*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
We have a winner.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.