Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
There’s always that one guy
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.