Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
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One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
This did not end as expected.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m too immature for adultery.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?