Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
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Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son