“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
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Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol