OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*