COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
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I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
yeet
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.