me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
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Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Clients after you give them your rates
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
is this meant to deter me
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.