The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
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No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
real
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Pot warmers of the day.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.