I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.