Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
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Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?