There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
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you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends