earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911