Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
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Never thought I鈥檇 be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor鈥檚 kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Look, I鈥檓 just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
people who dress up for flights who鈥檙e you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
DOCTOR 1: There鈥檚 a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there鈥檚 just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they鈥檙e not looking, they are for me
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
I鈥檓 not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 馃檨
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What鈥檚 not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My toxic trait is telling people I鈥檓 down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.