WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
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I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt