[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume