Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
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How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
🤣🤣💀
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Peace was never an option
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!