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New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.