Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
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My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades